“I live with schizophrenia”

Bankmed member Bernd Kruger shares his personal journey with this challenging mental illness. Schizophrenia is a mental illness characterised by thoughts or experiences that seem out of touch with reality.

My symptoms only appeared in 1985, when I was 26 years old. While working as an administrative clerk at one of South Africa’s major banks, I compensated for my childhood insecurities by acting very “macho”. I’d always been shy and quiet, and felt different because I never had a real father. I’d always been close to my mother and was a bit of a mama’s boy.

I then fell in love with one of my colleagues and was confused because I never had such feelings before. I didn’t understand what was happening to me and completely misunderstood the situation as the feelings weren’t reciprocated.

Conflict and turmoil

It is difficult to explain my feelings and behaviour at that time because I was in extreme emotional turmoil. My thoughts were intrusive and conflicting and I was too busy with my inner conflicts to apply myself properly to any task. I had sleepless nights, racing thoughts and couldn’t stick to a daily routine. Everything either felt too mundane or too euphoric. My mind – and my speech – was all over the show. Although my managers tried to help me, I was unwilling to discuss my mental ill health with them. They eventually dismissed me due to inadequate performance.

Resentful feelings about being fired triggered a downward spiral and I eventually spent a year in a psychiatric hospital where I was diagnosed with mild schizophrenia. While people often think of this condition as a “split personality disorder”, this is incorrect. However, this doesn’t mean it isn’t a challenging condition to live with.

Medication and routine

While in hospital, I participated in a programme to get me into a routine again. Every morning I had to get up at 6:30am, make my bed, clean my room, and generally try to live like a “normal” person. During this time, my pent-up anger affected my energy levels, and I felt little motivation. But the anti-psychotic medication I was prescribed started to work. I felt I was making real progress, and began to keep my “resentful” feelings in check.

After being discharged from hospital, I was eventually re-employed by another major bank, where I worked for 25 years. I was always a good employee and was very thorough with my tasks. However, stress is a big enemy of schizophrenics and I wasn’t good under pressure. Thankfully my employers were aware of my condition and never penalised me for being slow and methodical. I was retrenched in 2012.

Commitment and gratitude

With the correct medication (which is a process of trial and error), my condition eventually stabilised and I have lead a relatively ‘normal’ life since my diagnosis. I am still a loner, and have never married or had children, but I get on well with most people. I am very open about my condition and have made peace with the fact that I need to be on medication for life.

The secret to managing schizophrenia is to take your medication religiously. I get an injection of anti-psychotic drugs every fortnight and have never missed a single one in more than 35 years. A lot of people who live with schizophrenia stop taking their medication when they feel better. The result is that they get sick again. My advice is “never stop taking your medication. EVER.”

While working in the banking industry, I chose Bankmed’s Core Saver plan as my medical aid scheme.  As schizophrenia is part of the Prescribed Minimum Benefit (PMB) list of chronic diseases, all my medication is covered in full.  Any problems are  always speedily solved by the knowledgeable and efficient call centre. I owe Bankmed a lot!

Schizophrenia is a mental disorder characterised by continuous and relapsing episodes of psychosis. It is caused by an imbalance in the brain resulting in a lack of coordination between thoughts, actions, and emotions, leading to confused thinking, delusions, and hallucinations (which may include hearing voices). Other symptoms are lack of drive (too much sleep), decreased emotional expression, apathy, and sub-optimal functioning. The sickness may also be related to other disorders such as substance abuse, depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorders. Many people think of schizophrenia as a “split in personality”, which is incorrect, but this doesn’t make it less challenging. While it cannot be cured, schizophrenia can be successfully managed with medication and therapy.